Change of Heart

So, I almost feel as if the journey that has led me to today, before I've even set foot in Africa, has been the whole point.  I feel an excitement and a passion as if I've already been there.  I already feel like I've been touched by the experience, which of course, I haven't even had yet.  It's been weird to say the least.  Eye-opening, heart-changing, and faith-strengthening for sure.  My cousin just posted a quote by Susan B. Anthony that said, "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires."  Pshh.  Not in my case.  Casting my family into upheaval to go on a medical mission trip to Africa didn't even vaguely register on my list of desires.  Yet here I am, details worked out, more excited for this than just about anything I've ever done, and with an amazing sense of peace.  As I said last time, that's how I do "know so well what God wants [me] to do".  Because it sure as heck wasn't my idea.

It was originally Michael's idea, maybe 6 months ago.  A pediatrician friend of ours had gone on this same trip 2 years ago, and little did I know that when he showed us his pictures and talked about it at church that seeds were being planted in Michael's brain (or mine, for that matter).  I found out in a round-about way (Michael is such a big-picture guy, not always a details guy, like discussing such things with me...).  I can't remember how, but it was something like seeing it on a calendar, or him off-handedly mentioning a planning meeting as if we had discussed this a dozen times already.  "Wait...what?  Go on a mission trip?  To Africa?  In the middle of school/football (Noah's, not the NFL's)/holiday season?  When you are already overcommitted at church and other volunteer medical clinics and the Crisis Pregnancy Center and work?  When you are the acting clinic commander for the next 6 months?  When the boys don't see you enough as it is already and I'm a bit stressed out myself?  Are. You. Crazy?"  I don't think I'm being too dramatic--or maybe I was, but that's pretty much word for word what came out of my mouth.  Rarely do I put my foot down in our marriage, but I did that night.  I was so against it.  Michael listened patiently...and then asked me if I wanted to go too.  "Um, no.  That's an even worse idea."  Again, direct quote.  I remember for a couple weeks I felt such stress about this issue.  I didn't want to be responsible for him not doing something he felt compelled to do, yet I truly didn't think I could do the single parent thing for 2 weeks at that point.

Then one night Michael came to me and said that, after much prayer, he had decided that we would either go together or not at all.  He proposed that we just do a bit of investigating to see if we could even realistically/logistically make it work.  His theory was that if doors opened easily, it would be a sign, as it would also be a sign if doors were shut firmly.  And he never put any pressure on me.  I actually felt very released from my stress.  Honestly, I loved his solution, because I thought for sure doors were going to be slammed shut, brick walls were going to be run into, and I was going to be proven right.  I was practically dusting my hands off as if it was a fait accompli.  I also had the very uncooperative thought that if he wanted this to happen, he was going to have to be the one to make it happen.  I stubbornly refused to search out any solutions (I know, I'm not proud).  I think I hoped that he would just run out of time or lose interest.  So strong was my desire not to go.

When I would feel little tugs on my heart, like maybe it would be great for all of us, I firmly pushed those aside.  The control freak in me thought, "this will throw my kids' worlds into an uproar--it will be disastrous for them."  I am sometimes a worst-case-scenario envisioner, and all I could imagine were meltdowns and fights and poor grades and detentions (yes, I realize I am absurd).  But then this niggling thought kept coming back that maybe instead of this being terrible for them, what if it was precisely what they needed?  What I needed.  I kept thinking the stress of NOT being in control of my kids' every moment would be too great for me (I mean, who else but me in the whole wide world can avert disaster or manage their chaos?  Yes, God's been having a little chat with me about my pride and control issues.).   I tend to have such a tight hold on the reins of my boys' lives, and I realized that my life-focus had become so narrow.  I was missing the whole point.  Yes, I was involved in other things, both of the fun and worthy variety, but the things that kept me up at night and consumed my every thought were about my kids and my worry for their futures.  I couldn't even see that I was drowning myself in my need to ensure a good upbringing and successful future for each of them.  I felt like if I let go for even a second they would fall off the path I had marked out for them.  Again, I needed to be reminded that I am not in the driver's seat of their lives.  I am neither the designer nor the maintainer of the paths they are on.  I needed to be reminded that I am not really as in control as I think I am.

In the midst of this battering of my pride and control, logistical doors started to open.  I mean fly open.  More people than I could imagine stepping up actively to offer practical ways they could help.  Get permissive TDY so you don't have to use your vacation time?  Done.  Keep a kid or 2 for you?  You bet.  Mow your lawn, check your mail?  Sure.  Cover your work/teaching/church responsibilities?  No problem.  Be a back-up carpooler/babysitter/doctor-on-call?  Yes yes yes.  People are amazing.  We are surrounded by the greatest network of friends.  In small ways I also felt like Ethiopia was everywhere I looked.  Books that I just happened to be reading, new people I would meet, stories I would hear, an old friend who had been stationed in Ethiopia who just happened to know a local Orthopedic surgeon that was going to be at the Mercy clinic the exact same time we were and is looking to partner with teaching facilities to bring doctors out to Yetebon.  Some might say I was looking for the signs.  Reading too much into it, and coincidence, and all that.  But trust me, at that point, I was still looking for a way to make it fall through.  Even still, I couldn't get the possibility of this trip out of my head.

There's no clear timeline for all this.  It retrospect, it doesn't even feel linear.  Just this crazy swirl of emotions, and then finally, I stopped struggling.  It wasn't a lightning bolt moment, I just gradually gave in to what I had been feeling in my heart nearly all along.  I started trusting.  I accepted I'm NOT in control.  God is.  And as that happened, the most exquisite peace gently moved in and dwelled where there had once been fear and doubt.  Rarely before have I felt so tangibly that I was doing precisely what I was meant to do.

So here I sit, getting ready to board.  My kids are safely delivered to their temporary families, and I am so ready to be in Ethiopia, I can nearly taste it.  Thank you all for your prayers, well-wishes, assistance, and encouragement.